Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
