Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
