nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
