Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
