i think my tv is drunk
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
