Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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