Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
