Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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