he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
