Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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