Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
