I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
