I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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