Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
