There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
