So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
