Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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