THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Come see our sink grown plant.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
