i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
