1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
