She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
