It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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