i just wanna soil my oats bro
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
