Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
