Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
