He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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