I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
