When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
