There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
