Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
