Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
