Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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