Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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