I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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