I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone