I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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