i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
