she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
