I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
