Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
