woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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