Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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