My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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