Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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