I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
