I think I am morally bankrupt
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
