am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
