Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
