Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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