My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
