This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
