last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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