so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
