I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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