i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
