I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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