a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
