dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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