That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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