Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
